Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

         

                             When I was little I was read all the classics stories from the Grimm Brothers. For those I didn't read their actual stories, I saw the Disney movie instead. Those movies were good and kept to the original story pretty good. Never did I wonder what happened after the story ended, I thought the endings were satisfying. Everyone remembers the story of Hansel & Gretel, but do you want to know what happened when they grew up?

     That story is the bases for “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters”. It seems after they killed that witch that tried to eat them, they decided witch hunting is what they are made for. Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) are kind of like the Ghostbusters, but for witches instead. It seems this one town has been having a rash of children disappear, so the town’s Mayor calls on our heroes. What they find is something bigger going on than just your normal run of the mill witch-hunt. There is some shooting, and of course some hunting, all to stop the witches from fulfilling their prophecy. Lucky for Hansel and Gretel automatic weapons seem to exist as well as endless ammo. Our heroes must stop Muriel (Famke Janssen), who is a grand witch, from completing her quest, and making witches immune from fire. It sets up a battle at the end that helps Hansel and Gretel live up to their title.

      What are they doing to the stories I grew up with? Last year it was “Little Red Riding Hood”, now “Hansel & Gretel”, next month it’s “Jack and the Bean Stock”, where will they stop? I fear a “Three Bears” trailer coming soon. I heard somebody say that they think Jeremy Renner must have lost a dare to star in this movie, I might have to agree.  Writer and Director Tommy Wirkola did do a good job on the 3-D effects and the movie looked good, but that is it. The movie looked exactly how advertised, so you kind of know what to expect, but that doesn't numb the pain from watching it. You can’t just retell a classic story and add martial arts and guns, and claim to make it better. The best part of watching the movie was having Hansel develop diabetes, from being forced fed all that candy as a kid, and he had to give him-self a shot to stay alive. You can’t really say anymore after that. I knew this movie would not be good, but I hoped it was entertaining. Unfortunately for you and me, it was neither; it is just another movie you should stay away from. If you don’t stay away, they may make another, or turn some more classic tales into movies like this, and let’s face it none of us want that.

 Brian Taylor